I sometimes wish people could see inside my head at the constant turmoil I have with myself. If I had more money I would do IVF again. It caused me so much pain and anguish but the hope is calling out to me again, I am finding it so hard to give up that we will never have children of my own, I will never know the feeling of a baby growing inside me, I will never go through that life changing experience of holding a new born baby and knowing that it's yours, I will never get to see what our baby would look like or which of our characteristic it would have. People might say it's only money, do it! but we cannot afford it, we would have to go into debt, being childless doesn't make you rich, we have spent money on holidays, experiences things that make us feel better but they were all frugally spent. If we had saved up for the last two years instead of these holidays we actually still wouldn't have enough for IVF and we would probably have gone mad. 

As a childless couple you feel like you don't belong anywhere in society, your on the outside looking in at what life is supposed to be like, for self preservation you distance yourself from people with children so it doesn't hurt so much, you can't join in with conversations about having kids. I have built up a shield I want to travel and try new things, somethings that people with children may find difficult to do and whilst we are travelling and doing all these different things I feel great and I wouldn't trade it for anything but you can't do these things constantly. 

When you're at home in the day to day you realise there is something missing and it hurts, it's like a grief but there is no death, no body to mourn, nobody sees the pain or understands it. I still have not come to terms with it, I try not to think about it or look on the bright side of life but it effects me daily. I'm not looking for sympathy I just want people to understand why I am like I am, why I find it so hard to be around pregnant women or babies or people with children it's not because I don't care it's because I'm sad and yes I'm jealous and it makes me feel like a horrible person.

We could go into debt for a chance to have a baby, We might try and try and try and never have a baby then I would have nothing left at the end but a debt that I have pay back and that stops us getting on with our lives.

On the other hand I could try and try and try and it could work we would still be in debt and struggle having all the extra cost of bringing up a child and paying off a debt.

Not enough is done to help people who go through IVF, the first IVF was funded through the nhs, when we first started trying the funding was for three lots of IVF but by the time it came around to us having it it had been cut to one. This put immense pressure on us hoping that everything would go right the first time. The second we only could do with by doing egg sharing to keep the costs down and Matt's mum and dad paid for it. Egg sharing can halve the cost of IVF but you have to give away half of your eggs that are retrieved at the egg collection -if you get an odd number, say 7 the person you are sharing with will get 4 and you will get 3 this is obviously before insemination and there is a chance that the fertilisation won't work, out of 3 we had two embryos which we had put back. The other thing that is quite hard is that you have to write a letter to the child that could be born from the donated egg explaining a bit about yourself and why you donated the egg, this is because upon their 18th birthday they can legally find out about you. This is awful it feels like you are writing a letter to a child you have given up. Something I'd never want to do. I could, if I wanted find out if my donated egg resulted in a birth, I have not yet done this and I don't know whether I will. So if I decide to do it again I also have to decide whether to go through this. 

You might think 'just adopt a child' but it would still mean coming to terms with not being able to give birth to our own child which is also so hard to think about.

I flit from one idea to another of what to do, all the time I'm getting older and will I at some point look back and regret my decision if I don't try again. Or someday realise I've been thinking about it so much I've missed my opportunity. I wish we didn't have these decisions to make, we are so indecisive at the best of times. I don't know what I hope to gain from telling you all this, no one can help us or tell us what to do we just have to make that decision ourselves. I think I just hope to be understood a little bit better, it's not something that's really spoken about so it can feel very lonely at times. 

My Instagram life

I sometimes joke with my husband and friends that I'd quite like to live my Instagram life. Its a world were life is pretty, i go to lots of nice places, i craft, i make delicious meals and cakes! It's idyllic!

I am not saying I don't do these thing, I do go to lots of nice places and walks and take pictures of amazing views and pretty things I see, I do like making things and even though I do say so myself I do make delicious meals and cakes!!

But I do make a conscious effort not to put anything that on that would sully my lovely photo feed.

 If I take a picture of somewhere in my house, its sometimes staged, I keep out any clutter, only taking photos of the parts of the house (which is very few) that I am happy with.

When I post pictures of crafts that I do you don't see the constant turmoil of balancing the things I have to do e.g. housework and the things I want to do, how do people do it??  

 It looks to the Instagram follower looking at my photo feed that our house is nice, it seems we live in a lovely area because of the photos that I take of taking the dog for a walk to the country park that's just down at the bottom of our street...sounds beautiful doesn't it....looks beautiful from the photographs, meadows, woods, a stream running through, a wooden bridge, wildlife and birds aplenty.

In real life it is beautiful, but its right next to a council estate (on the other side of the river I might add!!) and the residents who think its a dumping ground and a place to come and enjoy the sun - by all means but then they leave cans and litter lying around and thrown into the stream. It annoys me obviously they like it there because as soon as the sun is out they are there in droves, but they leave their mess as if its not their responsibility to pick it up! It makes me sound like a snob I am a bit I suppose but only because I feel so strongly about it, its a beautiful place which should be enjoyed by all but there are people who just want to spoil that. Anyway rant over.. needless to say I don't have any photos of shopping trolleys or sofas that are dumped in the stream from time to time!

          Not a shopping trolley in sight!!

When I was joking with a friend about this she said " yeah but why would you take a picture of that??, you're not going to show the parts of your life that you hate".

And shes right when I post a picture on Instagram I want people to see me and my life in a good light I don't want them to see the messy, lazy, emotional side of me I want them to see the creative, happy, motivated side of me and that's OK, isn't it?

It is.

And here's why.

Sometimes life can be rubbish, I mean really, really crap, sometimes I  feel so sad and bitter if  I'm being honest of not being 'normal', not having that what others take for granted, the fact we can't have children, the fact that money is a big issue in not carrying on with IVF, the fact that in order to have the last IVF we had unfunded we had to do an egg share which meant that my half my eggs went to someone else and that was because we couldn't afford to pay more.The fact that bad, really horrible people (see Jeremy Kyle.. the show not him although thinking about it maybe him too!) can have not one but bucket loads of children but me and Matthew who would have been A-ma-zing parents can't. The fact that we don't socialise with other people because most people we know, our age, have kids and are busy with them.
 I don't talk about it because people don't talk about things like that and you try to be strong because whats the alternative? You let it consume your life and spoil the things that are good.
I have to remind myself daily to focus on the good in my life and things that I am thankful for Matthew, Max, my family, my house, my job, the time we spend together the things we do and see, so in some way  my  I suppose that's just what I do on Instagram - focus on the good because it makes me feel better.

And its cheaper than therapy.

Thank you for reading xxx

In the last month...

What a busy month I have had, I have a new nephew, got my first swimming certificate, I completed my first year working at the school, enjoyed a lovely 2 week holiday in Cornwall, I turned 32 and started my IVF injections.

Firstly my sister had a baby on the 29th June, he is called Edward and is a cutey. I am working on a crocheted blanket for him.

A few months ago I decided to go to swimming lessons to help build up my confidence in deep water I could swim 25 metres but only next to the side of the pool and I was very nervous in deep water, but since doing the lessons my confidence and stamina has come on in leaps and bounds and I did my 800metres and got a badge and certificate! I was so proud of myself even if the certificate is a children's one if someone had told me last year that I could swim 800 metres I would not have believed them.

My achievement

I finished school for summer after completing my first year as a teaching assistant there and I have to say this year has gone so fast and I have enjoyed every minute of work this year. It was sad saying goodbye to the year 2 children, but I look forward to the next lot of children in September.

On the 13th July we went on our holiday to St Ives and despite the weather not being too good recently we didn't have it too bad, we had more sunny days than not. On the first weekend Matthew and I went for a walk 6 miles along the coastal path to Zennor when we set out it was cloudy so I didn't have suncream on by the time we got to Zennor it was glorious sunshine and my face and shoulders were bright red - not a mistake I will make again - it was so painful!

On the coastal path - before the sunburn!

 I also went swimming in the sea with my new confidence of the water and we rented wet suits and body boards on the recommendation of my swimming tutor and I loved it!

On my birthday which was on the middle Sunday of the holiday, we went to Wadebridge and hired bicycles and rode 6 miles to Padstow. We had a lovely day there, a picnic, a paddle, some geocaching and cycled back again, I really enjoyed cycling I felt like I reclaimed part of my youth when I was overtaking Matthew and riding so fast with the wind in my hair!

Padstow on my birthday!

Cycling the camel trail.

Matthew got me a Kobo e-reader for my birthday with a book that I really wanted to read 'Home to Roost' by Tessa Hainsworth, the 3rd book of a true story about moving to Cornwall. Which I read within a day and Matthew being Matthew and a little bit cheeky also put on '50 shades of grey' a book which I was determined not to read, because of the hype around it. I did and although at first I thought it was a bit annoying I stuck with it and it does draw you in. Its perhaps not the best book I have ever read, but its not the worst and I will get the next two books to find out what happens next.
I love my Kobo though it is so easy to read with it and easy to take it anywhere and obviously it saves you from being embarrassed at reading '50 shades' in public!

And last but not least on the day I went on holiday I started my IVF injections, I had to take an injection at the same time everyday I chose 7pm and if we went out for the day I took it with me. There were sometimes I had to take it discreetly in a car park but apart from that everything has gone smoothly because I was on holiday I wasn't spending all day dreading it and thinking about it.On Monday I went to the hospital to have a scan to check the drugs were working then I had to start on the second lot of injections as well so now its 2 injections a day. I look a bit like a pin cushion and the side effects, like the hot flushes and generally feeling bloated and sick and achy is starting to get me down. But it is a step in the right direction so I have to be positive.

New name... new start!

After finding great difficulty writing about things that I have made for my 'Abigail makes' blog. I decided I wanted my blog to be less rigid in what I could put on, more like a diary than anything else. So 'What Abigail did' was born...
 In this blog I *hope* to write once a week at least about things that I like from crafting to baking to photography but also about my journey going through IVF for the second time after it failed last year.
 However in no way do I want it to become sad and depressing, more to help me get my head around it. I have started to come to terms with the fact that my life is not turning out the way I'd planned (and for a control freak that was quite hard!) but I am thankful for the things I do have.. a wonderful husband who loves me as much as I love him, a supportive family, good friends and a fantastic job. It has not been easy at times but I am now more determined than ever not to waste anymore of my life (as I have for the last 4 years) and try and make the most of it.